What we conquered!

 Summer of 2014 was intense.  It all started with me, we'd found out, via all things, exercise, that my Achilles was behaving badly.  I didn't want surgery until I absolutely had to- and in the spring of 2014, I knew it was time.  Walking hurt and my limp was significant.  An updated x-ray showed that the growth had changed.  The MRI proved that I had no cartilage in most of my foot- the other foot most likely the same.  Doc J wasn't sure how the surgery was going to proceed- but he's figured it would be an hour.  Surgery was scheduled for June 4th, the last week of school, purposely done because he wanted me off it for 3 months.  This way I would be ready to go back to work/school.

 Then in May my husband's heart murmur, which he's had his entire life, decided to behave badly as well.  His appointment, which we didn't think I needed to be there for, as I was saving all my time, ended with a "you need to have surgery now.  Cath lab and begging "can't it wait until October," didn't work in our favor.  They wanted it the 20th of May.  Husband pushed it back, because of my surgery, which I'd planned on pushing back.  But, secretly, I think he just didn't want his birthday to be spent in the hospital.  His surgery was schedule less than 2 weeks after mine.

My surgery ended up being just over 2 hours.  The removed a significant amount of my Achilles and then a section of tendon from my foot to rebuild it.  Doc J promised to send me a picture of him (I begged to keep it, but was told every time- no.)  He did text it to me and it was amazing.

The Hubs mom lives in the same town we do.  My mom came up from my hometown in Texas to help as well, arriving just 3 days after my surgery.    Hubs and I were a hot mess.  My mom took care of me and the house, while Hubs mom took him to appt's and his actual surgery.  I had a post op appt the morning of his surgery.  I couldn't walk, he couldn't lift.  His scars healed faster and prettier than mine.  Today, 6 months out, you would never know he'd been opened however, I still have a limp and am recovering slowly.

I remember how scared we were, it was a tough summer.  My body reacted to the stress and pain by sucking on the pounds, 30 to be exact.  But, I'm not scared anymore, at least in the same way.  Instead, I am scared that my body is going to backfire on me.  I've been so naughty to it and I need to stop.  I've noticed that I am not feeling good most of the time and I hate that feeling.  It's time to take back my life.  I do have 6 more months before I'm released, so I will be careful.  But, I am going to take a stand and make sure I am more in the moment with what I am doing.

2014 sucked, I won't let 2015.

It's been a LONG time since I've blogged.  Life has been insane and my body, unfortunately, shows it.  I'm at my heaviest and when I realized it yesterday, I pretty much cried.  

I could blame my Achilles replacement this summer.  6 months of recovery so far, another 6 months to go.  I could blame a new job, on top of going to school, my husband needing heart surgery, and other family drama.  I could keep going on those blames.

Or, I could be very honest and admit, that while my life in the last 7 months has been chaotic as all get out... I also have been slacking.  I've been drinking soda on a near daily basis.  I've not been allowed to exercise like I was, but I was too "I don't like it" with trying new things that I *could* do.  I spent my time laying on the couch or bed, watching movies and reading.  I've become a homebody-- and because of my own choices- my body is suffering.

Bring on 2015, I need to restart.  And I am going to do it.

The MVWLC is starting up tomorrow, we just don't have the funds to do it.  However, I am going to start blogging again and will do my own challenge for myself.

I've got crabs.

(Part of my notes I took from my MVWLC motivational class last month.)

"Ever been to a fish market, seen a big bucket of crabs? There are always 2 or 3 trying to get out. But what isn't amazing is that, instead it's that other crabs are there pulling on them trying to make them stay in.

Everyone has someone (family/coworkers/friends) who want you to stay in with them (you don't need to lose weight, you look good the way you are, be happy with yourself, etc..) but you need to get to the point where you can stand up to them and tell them why you need to do that. (I weigh 300 pounds, I do not look great the way I am.)"

I love my husband, even when he ticks me off.  He's a good man with a kind heart.  He treats my son like his own and has loved us forever it feels like.  However, he's my biggest, strongest, most powerful crab.

When we got married I was around 210.  I'd worked *SO* hard to get down to that weight and I felt *SO* good!  Little by little my weight has crept up, not quite to my heaviest ever, but so close to it that I get freaked out.  My hubster doesn't seem to mind.  He brings me stuff all the time.  I'll mutter how much a banana split blizzard (my fave) sounds fantastic, and one will magically appear.  We'll decide to have some place for dinner instead of cooking because of the schedule that day and he'll biggie size it to the biggest they have.  I made a comment that I was going to give up soda, my morning crutch on bad/stressful days (would stop by sonic on my way to school when I knew it would be one of those days.  Anyhow, he's brought me soda home. Almost  every day for the last week and a half.  Because my tooth has been hurting (I guess soda is a miracle cure) and because I was getting sick (flu bug going around school.)

He medicates with food... and I think I might have to figure out a way to kill him off in boiling water. 

KILL THE CRAB!!!

I'm not sure how to fix this... I was doing really well, and he's been sneaking up on me.  I can't be rid of him, married to the dude.  And when I say something about my feet hurting, or I'm too tired to exercise, or anything- he's the first person to agree with me and say I've worked so hard I should just go to bed, or lay down, or whatever.

And yes, I could throw it all away.. but what a waste.  Money is tight, our medical bills are sky high, so we are careful about spending/wasting.  It would kill me to toss out perfectly good (though not good for me) food.

I'm in love, and it's mutual

Yup, it's true.  I'm in love.  And the object of my desires loves me too.  I wasn't sure when this started out, how it would go.  I wasn't sure what my family would think.. would they accept it?  Would the be angry?  Would they do everything in their power to derail it?

Then the "love," would it return the work?  Would I be able to tell.. or would I be doing it all...

3 months in a row.. my body is working as it should.  My weight is up from last week (as of this morning- but I knew that would happen) and it doesn't matter.  My body is working better... and even after a field trip where I had to "run"  (I tried, was a fast run,jog,walk) because of a medical "emergency" and I thought I would flop down next to them when I got back.  Running in sand is not for the out of shape... okay, maybe it is, but dang that was work!!  It took me about 5 minutes to control my breathing, but I did it.

My body loves me, and I love my body.
I NEVER thought I would say that.
Not even in my skinny/cute days (high school/college) did I think that.

Circus didn't do me in.

We took a small road trip to go to a Shriner's circus.  (Shriner's will *ALWAYS* be near and dear.  Support them!!)  Being on the road meant fast food, eating out, car trip food, sitting, etc, etc.  And I have to say, I didn't do too bad!!  Even sitting next to a family (at circus) who was snarfing nachos, chili cheese fries, popcorn, etc, etc.  They seemed to always have food.

We had a bag of cotton candy to share.

Normally we'd have been the family next to us.  But right now $$$ is tight.  But, if I were to be really honest with myself, a big part of it was the mom.  She was my size... maybe bigger.  I spent time watching the food she ate, and mentally calorie counting.  At a time, sometimes still, I'm her.  Watching her, I was able to see "me" in a state that I don't want to be in.  It was the first time I could actually see someone, face to face, how I really see myself.  It was eye opening. 

We did do some letterboxing, but only drive by's, so we can't really say we exercised... though, we did park about 3 blocks away and on the 3rd level of a parking garage.  That counts a bit!

Words will never hurt me? LIES!

"Hey Melzie, I have some pants I can send you.  They absolutely swim on me, so I bet they would fit you."

AKA

"Hey Melzie, You're a big, fat, lard @ss.  I'm eating 600 calories a day and have lost a gajillion pounds.  Here is some charity for your big butt and gut."

(Do not be confused, I love charity & sharing & passing on clothes.  However, I'll be dead if I pull these pants over my feet and up to my butt.)

Feeling quite blah & random.

I'm back in my workout groove.  It's amazing (horrifying) that after just 4 weeks off, I am so out of shape.  I was so THERE.  I didn't feel fat, and completely ridiculous while shaking my hips, belly dancing, and pretending I could be Shakira during Wakka Wakka.

Tonight, in a smaller class, I felt just that way.  I'm 4 classes "back" and tonight the class was filled with super dancers and athletes.  I tried to hide in my back corner... but that didn't work during one Michael Jackson song... we had to turn, I couldn't figure out the foot work.  For 12 LOOOONG counts I was staring at them while they wiggled staring at me.

I cried on the way home.  Pretty pathetic.  I almost came home and ate.  A lot.  But I didn't.   I filled a glass with ice, poured in some crystal light pink lemonade, and took a super hot shower.  I put on fuzzy jammies, and started watching the new season of BL on the dvr.  (Have watched bits and pieces, tonight I'm watching it all.)  I promised myself if I ate, it would be a yogurt.  But the drinking is working-- the hunger (stress) has passed.

I want this so bad. 
I want to be healthy.
To not be morbidly obese.
To not be obese.
To be able to finish a 5K in under 40 minutes, instead of the hour.
I want to wear clothes without the "W."
To not look pregnant, because I want to really be pregnant.

Tomorrow is my weigh in day.  I hope I met my 2 pound "self" challenge. 

Brain is rested, heart is full & sanity restored

I'm back. Didn't weigh in at all while I was away to visit the East Coast.

In a nutshell, my title describes it all. Perfectly. I'm in a better place than I've been for a long time.

New Hampshire & my Gram always do that for me.

Missoula 1/2 & Full Marathon

I didn't do it, I'd planned on signing up for the 1/2 marathon, but my feet have been hurting so badly lately. So I volunteered instead to cheer everyone on.

It was awesome!!

And it was motivating!!

And this lady-- well, she made me decide that if she could do 20 miles (that was my checkpoint) and be legally blind. And do it with no guide (amazing...)

Well, who am I to complain about my stupid feet?

I had 2 good friends in the marathon- got pictures of the back on one head (too busy screaming for him) and ran up in front of my other one. She completed her 1st marathon ever- I was *SO* proud of her.

I also screamed crazy insane for the people I saw who were like me. My size, my shape, those who were limping & struggling. I know that I would have wanted to be cheered at. They were my hero's that day. They are still today.

I am glad I stayed till the very end. Every one of those people who gave it a try (whether they finished or not) needed to be cheered on.

Next year--- it's gonna be me with raised "I did it" arms.

Love my hubster, but...

he really is my biggest obstacle. Don't get me wrong- he's right there with me- encouraging me, nodding his head, cheering when I have a good weigh in, tsking appropriately when I don't.

But he brings home fast food. He knows I have a love for butterfinger blizzards, and in the summer- he brings them home. A lot.

I can't toss them out, I can't leave it in the freezer and eat it over the course of the week... it's money down the drain- but I think he see's it as love.

I asked him once why bringing home a chicken sandwich, fries and a coke is his love note to me, and not- say... a stop at Albertson's for a pound of fresh kiwi's (which would send my mouth instead the sky!) He didn't have an answer...

I thought the talk would help-- but last night, a large fry and a hot fudge sundae is what he brought back with him. A night time snack.

I had the sundae (I had, notice "had," leftover calories) and a few fries...

Anyone out there have the same issues with a spouse or significant other? How do you handle it?

I don't fit in a chair.

I have always hate sitting next to people in a row of chairs. I try to get an end seat, on the left side, because I'm left handed. I also rather enjoy my personal "bubble space" and use it with my students. It's a running joke about inanimate objects in my classroom needing their bubble space... I guess you'd have to be there to understand- they laugh, I swear.

Any who.

At graduation I was not on the end of a row. I was flagged on both sides with people, and I hated it. I hated it more because I was face to face that I do not fit in those seats, and instead I overlapped, no matter how I tried to rearrange. It was humiliating, and while I was concentrating on the kids walking across the stage, I was also concentrating on where my flab was falling.

Tomorrow is weigh in day. I haven't been on the scale since last week's weigh in. It's almost summer vacation, and I plan on being a driven force while my son spends his summer in Missouri.

I told myself it's going to be like it was the 1st time I did it. That kind of focus.

I wanted that deep down desire-- I need a good reason, a scare reason, and I found it. Never under estimate the power of blunt force facts.

Thoughts on BL last night.

This season I've not enjoyed the show much. Too much game play- and I want the stories... vote off's being because they are close to goal, not because they are a major threat to the cash.

Anyhow, I watched last night after spending the last 3 shows fast forwarding through stuff.

I cried. A lot.

The big one-- the "fatselves" talking to the "skinnyselves." Can you imagine? A video log doing that to yourself? I've done a letter- but I think I want to do a video. Might have to create a FrogiNater youtube version of myself.

The other big wake up call came today at inservice. I saw myself on video. My huge, butted self. I saw myself in a way I've not seen myself before- and I looked awful. I was so ashamed... really, really ashamed.

I am by far the biggest person in my workplace. There is one other, but she's almost a foot shorter, so since I'm a foot taller, my weight is just about hers, but I know her number is MUCH lower than mine.

But she wasn't on that video. I was. 3 chins and all. Big belly rolls hidden under a coat, but still there. Round pinchable face. But there.

Now, no one else was watching me, I was in the background. The video wasn't show casing me- just an activity we were a part of last spring and the video was finally finished.

But I saw only me. And I made myself not cry. But at my meeting, and weigh in, I brought it up. Everyone else nodded their heads, but I honestly had no idea "what" I looked like. I've done my fat pictures, I've stared at myself in the mirror.

NOTHING prepared me for that video though.

I'm going to get a copy of it, and I'm going to keep it fresh in my memory. I'm also making sure my food log stays in my school bag and not in my desk at school.

Cold & Crisp with a black & white twist.

I reset my alarm for 5:30am. I put on my log exercise pants, a hoodie, and picked up my pedometer, headphones and both leashes for our dog & puppy. The weatherman said it was 34* so I grabbed my gloves.

It's been a long while since I've done a morning walk/run. I'd forgotten how much more I enjoy morning exercise-- I feel rejuvenated. My cheeks were bright pink and my legs feel partially frozen, but I got in a nice walk with a little bit of running. Super Puppy wasn't so happy about this walk- he reminds me of my son. Not a morning person. But Oreo surely did- he IS a morning person.

Dear Self- don't give up the evening walks, but do work towards getting back in the habit of your morning ones. You miss it, this morning was the proof. -Love, Me

Brushing myself off & going again

I admit it- I had a crappy March. This mornings weigh in proved it- I had a gain, a big gain. I didn't regain everything I'd lost, but pretty darn close. Last night I didn't care. I indulged in a large coke, large fries and part of a big mac. (I removed 2 buns and most of the dressing, & I dislike cheese.)

My mom and I have a mini war/bet going on. It's to do with our Farmville (I love this game. If it were a "computer" or a wii game, I'd buy it.) I lost so now I get to do her farm. Last night I told her I didn't care. But that's a lie, I do care.

The thing is-- I've been eating GREAT! My exercise hasn't been totally on point, but my food in the last 2 weeks has been from "scratch," or fresh. Minus the PB & J, or the one serving of mac & cheese. I've been careful to measure servings, eat good and haven't screwed up.

But I gained big.

I did get to a point where I honestly felt like saying, "what's the point." But there is a point. I want to be healthy. I want to get rid of the body I got in part because of my PCOS/infertility issues. I want to buy smaller clothes. I want to not come in last in a race. I want.... a lot of things- and me at this weight is not helping me achieve those things.

I tried to come at it from an educator's background. What do I tell kids in my classroom? At parent/teacher meetings?

Come prepared.
Don't give up.
Anything is possible.
Extra credit, extra tutoring.
Better choices.

I'm going to do some self reflecting and figure out what is seriously going on. I need to get my measurements also.

Running with Angels

I received this book a couple years ago & hadn't read it since. I found it this weekend while cleaning out a closet, so I took it to school with me, so in some down time I could reread.

I got to a point in the book where I made myself stop and reread.

"Suddenly, I did not want to take a walk any more. I wasn't sure why. I just knew... The next morning was the beginning of another beautiful morning. The fresh air brought a welcomed relief to my dampened spirits... however, I had the same experience that I'd had the previous day... Putting one foot in front of the other, I finally completed the circle... I decided I wanted to do it again..."

It hit me hard. I've been having that internal battle. Am I doing enough, I think I am, the scale is moving upward instead of downward. Calorie counting sucks, I get so busy I don't eat. That frustrated feeling isn't a good one... it's that little devil sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear, "why even do it."

So those 2 pages I read, briefly shared, hit me.

My challenges seem minuscule compared to her-- but they are mine, and to me they are big.

I came home today, dropped my school stuff on the bed, made 3 phone calls I had to do while I laced up my tennis shoes, grabbed our 2 yr old lab/aussie mix and hit the sidewalk.

It felt good.

Quick stab in the balloon of moto

All day I was working hard. Getting steps in, made up a training plan, printed plan, kept a calorie count... prepared myself for my exercise video I would do when Mr. & N-kid go to hunter's safety.

Then I came home.

Mr. was laid off.
Again.
2nd time in less than a year.
He's only been back full time since right before Christmas.

AAArrrrggghhhh.

I want to eat, lay in bed and cry. The girl scout cookie orders all came in today (3 girls from work, ordered from all 3. Plans were to freeze most.) and I want them. All.

Stress-eater is coming out. I will fight, but my money-fight-i-ness is almost gone. We could very well not pull out of this one... we've exhausted everything we had last time... and we did it. I don't know how much more we can float and paddle.

The envelope for registration for the last post... is on hold on Frida (our fridge.) I'm so bummed at that too....

Mental Games

This morning I was asked if I had lost weight. My instant reaction, out loud, was , "nope, not really." When asked again if I was sure, I replied I'd lost a little bit this year, but nothing to be noticeable at all. No clothes size change or anything like that.

The 3 people let it go and we continued on with our project we were doing. I was explaining things but my head was having it's own conversations. Namely-- "why can't you just take a compliment with a 'thank you for noticing.'"

I'm still thinking about it 12 hours later.

Maybe it's because I've been boycotting all things healthy since Wednesday. Or maybe it's because I'm still in 260-ville (SparkPeople Team). Or maybe it's just because getting a compliment makes me blush and feel very uncomfortable. I don't like the spot light shining on me. Kind of like when I was the last one in that race... they were all cheering & I wanted to cry. I just wanted to cross the finish line in peace & quiet with no one noticing my time...

I know I can't be the only one out there with this kind of issues, right?!

Feeling sorry for myself.

It was a rough day. Tomorrow will be rougher. Without going into it all- I had some hopes, that instead were crushed. Hopes that I was telling myself I didn't care about- but anyone who knows me, knows otherwise.

While watching a movie just now, I heard/saw this:

"This is your life. Right now. It doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet."

I like this quote... a lot.

You aren't even fat.

That's not what someone said to me, but instead what I said to a co-worker.

Basically this week was semester exam week. A very boring sort of time for us really- we had a lot of downtime. However, once a day for about 30 minutes 3 of us would get together and clothes shop online while we had a chance. The sites we looked at were the same, though I was very much a different size than them.

H & M are probably the 2 I talk with the most at school. They are size 6-8, me? I'm a 20W. M is trying to lose about 10 pounds, she's a tiny little thing, maybe 5 foot. H is taller, about 5'6" and has taken up running when school started because people keep asking her if she's pregnant. She's literally turned into a twig with boobs. However, yesterday she was complaining that she was asked yet again if she was pregnant. I suggested maybe it was because she had lost so much and now her chest looked so big in comparison. She said nope, it was because of her pooch. Which is seriously, not there. But, went on and on about how fat she was and how she needed to lose another 20 pounds.

My jaw did fall of my face, because afterwards she asked what was wrong. When I told her my theory- that yes, I was fat, yes I was trying to lose, and yes I got pregnant comments- but that she looked awesome and anything but fat. She just laughed and said our fat was different.

Ummmmm....

So I came home and couldn't stop thinking about it. Granted, I've never been a size 6. The smallest size I can recall was a 12, in junior high, and 14's all through high school and college. I'm taller, 5'11", and bigger boned, my hips bones stick out. I still can't stop thinking about her comment...

I'm not totally sure why it bothers me so much. Except for the fact that she is so unhappy in her own skin. I'm happy in mine- not content, but happy. I've embraced that this is me- all it'simperfections and rolls. I am content to work on myself and to bring my body on a trip to healthier and weighing less. Shopping for smaller sizes too.

Anyhow.. I'm rambling, but I had to perge it...

My husband spent the day laughing at me.

I would laugh at me also, if I didn't ache so much.

My rear end hurts. My legs hurt. Just rolling over, or trying to get pants on, coughing- it hurts.

Coughing-- I've got a nasty cold. I came home yesterday- all pumped up, and took a hot shower and within about 2-3 hours was miserable. Stuffy nose, horrid cough & fever. My joke was that my body was vetoing running. It doesn't like it- and last night and today was created to tell me so.

My muscles are so sore, I honestly wasn't expecting that. I also wasn't expecting my left knee to be throbbing so horribly and my feet to be fine. (Mom- can you believe it?!!!)

This is semester exam week at my school. I can not be sick right now. I'm going to attempt to make it to work tomorrow, hopefully my nyquil & dayquil will help me through the day. I also plan on disinfecting my classroom as soon as I get there. So many of the kids were out last week, even other teachers, I will become a wipe down queen before 8am. Unless I get a sub, which is likely right now.